November 2013 was one of the best months of my entire life. I was seeing the boy I was dating almost every night (we'll call him S). He's a teacher though, so we always parted ways by 11:00PM on school nights. But whether he would take the metro to my place or I would drive out to see him, we hardly went a day without seeing each other. I recognize that I probably made that happen because we weren't exclusive and I was worried that if he had a chance to see other people he would. I wanted to monopolize his time so no one else could. He was the first person that I ever really dated. He was the first person that made me feel special and valued. He was the first person that made me feel wanted. He was the first person I met that seemed to prioritize me over himself. It was this amazing, wonderful, scary feeling I couldn't get enough of.
Every year, over Veterans Day weekend, I fly to California to volunteer with an incredible organization that teaches the importance of civic engagement to roughly 3,500 high school students. I was in the program as a delegate and it changed my life. It probably saved my life too. When he drove me to the airport, it was so I could board my plane and fly to Paso Robles and spend the weekend at Camp Roberts working with these incredible students.
Now he didn't have a car so he actually had to borrow his best friends car and drive me. I told him I could take a cab, but he said it was no problem. I expected him to drop me off at the curb and I'd walk in. But he said no, when he said he would drop someone off at the airport, he would park and walk them in. He had done it for his ex. First red flag, though of course I didn't see that at the time. All I saw was this boy who I thought was out of my league, going out of his way to say goodbye to me for a long weekend.
I left on a Thursday and was flying home on Tuesday. The plan was for him to pick me up at 10:30PM Tuesday night, come in and hang out for a little bit and then head home. After all it was a school night. But we talked about it on the phone and he said he would. He also said the he missed me. Though he did preface by telling me not to read too much into it. Second red flag, but I didn't see it. All I saw was this boy who was up past his bed time to tell me he missed me. How was this real. What had I done to deserve such a great guy?
So Tuesday comes and I head down to LAX to get to my connection in Houston. We were delayed at LAX because of weather conditions. As a result we land just too late to make my connection. I race from my plane to the next, and I see it sitting at the gate. I walk up to the United gate agent and say that I was supposed to be on that plane and the United app said the plane was delayed five minutes allowing me to still make it since it wasn't in the ten minute window. The gate agent just said that the app was incorrect and there were no more flights to DCA that evening. There was nothing he could do. I texted the incredible guy who was waiting to pick me up saying I wouldn't be home that night.
My plan was to head to my father's house (luckily he lives in Houston and I had a bed to sleep in for the night) and take a flight the next day. I would land at 11:00AM, head home, shower and then go to work. I texted S and said I'd be home Tuesday and we could see each other that night. He said he unfortunately couldn't because he had plans. I pressed a little, unsure what was going on, and he let me know. He had a date. He was going out with another guy he met on OkCupid. He actually had been talking to that guy before he and I started messaging. His best friend, the one I had now met several times, actually encouraged him to keep that date. She said that he owed it to himself to see where things would go.
I was pretty upset but I did my best to play it cool. I just said fine, and we would hang out Thursday. And that's what we did. I didn't text him Wednesday night. I let him have his date with the other guy. I don't remember how I distracted myself that night but I tried to push it out of my mind. I was relatively successful at that until our date Thursday night. I was honest with him and said I wanted to know how it went.
We had had conversations about what we were. He had told me that he was recently out of his first major relationship with the first man he had fallen in love with. They broke up in August of that year. He and I started talking in September. He was worried that things would move to quickly with us because of how natural things felt. He kept telling me he didn't want to be exclusive with me because he was worried that we would burn too bright and last as short time. It would be passionate and fantastic for a short time and then it would explode and we would end and never see each other again. Another red flag, but I couldn't see that. I saw someone that said that we were great together.
That Thursday, I asked him point blank what had happened. He said that they went out. I asked if they were physical. He said yes. I asked if they slept together. He said no. He told me that the guy wanted to but S felt too guilty so they didn't. My heart hurt hearing that but it also made me happy. He felt guilty because he felt like what he was doing was wrong. That it would hurt me. Here he was, with another guy interested in him, but he chose me. He chose my feelings over the other guys. In that moment a lot of my worries disappeared. I was confident that he just needed a little more time. He would come to the right conclusion; S and I were meant to me and that we would be that great relationship he was searching for.
I was wrong. Over the next couple of weeks the other guy was a constant presence. S would be on his phone while were were hanging out. I would catch a glimpse of the recipients name, and it would be the other guy. I decided to up my game. I was already planning a trip to New York with my best friend, the one I went to the masquerade gala with. I invited S to come along. That's what couples do right? They take weekend trips and go do cool things. He said yes.
It's now early December and we go to New York. S, myself and my best friend all hop in her car and drive up to the Big Apple. We stay at my two friend's house who had married earlier that summer. I couldn't make it to their wedding cause I was recovering from my facial reconstructive surgery so this was a chance to catch up with them. And I could introduce them to a boy. I had never introduced any friends or family to someone I was dating. It was a big step for me. In my family, I had seen so many relationships I thought were forever end. Virtually every single relationship in my family ended in separation so I was wary of every introducing someone to my friends. I didn't want to have to answer the "what happened" question next time I saw them. But I wasn't worried about that. I mean S came with me to New York. He chose to spend three days with me and only me. The other guy was at home and he was here with me, spending his time with me.
Saturday night one of the friends I'm staying with decided we would meet up with an old friend from High School who lives in Brooklyn. She knew of a fun gay bar so we went out there. Obviously drinks were drunk and we were all a little intoxicated. As we were getting out of the cab, I noted S was texting. He was texting him. I, in my inebriated state, called him out. "Can't you just be here with me?" He said that the other guy was freaking out. S was here with me in NYC and he was home alone. Another red flag. This time I sort of saw it.
We end up going into a bar and it's not particularly crowded. We were relatively early in the night. As the night progressed, the bar got more and more crowded. I made a point not to be glued at S's side all night. I would go to the bar and flirt with the guys to see who could buy us drinks. It actually worked. And since it was clear I wasn't in a committed, exclusive relationship, there was no harm in flirting.
When it got late, we decided enough was enough and we would metro back into Manhattan. My friends lived on the upper west side so we had a journey to make. I remember having a conversation with my friend and S on the metro. We were talking about dating sites like OkCupid. I said that the purpose of OkCupid, as all dating sites, was to have sex. S vehemently disagreed. He said that sex was not the goal at all. In response, I said that immediate sex may not be the goal, but I was on a site like OkCupid to make a connection with someone beyond friendship. The main difference, for me, between friends and a romantic partner is the erotic bond formed between the two. That's what sets those I am romantically interested in apart from friends. He didn't seem to understand my side. We just were upset with each other.
When we got back to my friend's apartment, we fell asleep with our backs to each other. I realized that was dumb, but was too proud to admit it. Though I did turn over and got to be big spoon. But I had finally started to see the writing on the wall. I wasn't going to be the one he chose.
The next morning, things didn't seem strained between us. On the car ride he sat in the back seat while I sat in the navigator's seat and my best friend drove us home. The drive ended up taking three extra hours because right as we crossed over into Pennsylvania, we hit the first major snow storm of the year. We didn't talk a lot and S slept for a bit of the ride.
Eventually we got back to her house and I drove S home. When we were there, I told him we needed to talk. I went inside. I told him I didn't want him to see other people. I wanted to be his boyfriend. He said he couldn't. He said that he was sure it would end badly. I told him then we had to end it then and there. I couldn't keep doing this. I had held back from ever saying those three words, but I knew it was only a matter of time until I did, and I didn't want to say them to someone who couldn't say them back to me. It wasn't fair to myself. I was tired of being worried about coming in second place, so I removed myself from the competition. I was afraid of losing, so I forfeit. I couldn't take him saying that he chose someone else over me, so I made that choice for him.
Before the New York trip, I had invited him to be my date to my company's holiday party. They had rented out this amazing event space directly across from the National Museum of American History and it was going to be a night of fun, drinks and food. I told him that I knew we weren't together, but for one night, just to be my date. We would go and just enjoy each other. I wouldn't worry about the other guy and he would be there with me. And that's what happened. He arrived at my house earlier in the evening, and we had a drink before we left. We then walked to a coworker's house and drank a little more before going to the party. Once there, I introduced him to friends and coworkers. We didn't get into an argument, we didn't cause a scene. We were happy. It was probably the second best night of my life. He was with me. He was mine. It was just a cruel reminder of what I wouldn't get with him.
After that night, we stopped seeing each other as frequently. Three days after my company party he became exclusive with the other guy. S and I would still see each other from time to time. I would come over and watch American Horror Story, since we had seen most of the season together. But it was different. I was still very much in love with him. And I could feel he still had feelings for me. But he was now putting the other guys feelings ahead of mine. He wouldn't kiss me because it would hurt him. We were just friends. We stayed friends for a little while longer until it became clear that my feelings weren't going any where and his for him were only growing. We eventually stopped seeing each other completely.
We had one last rendezvous at a concert. It had been over a month since we saw each other last. He had been steady with the other guy for three months now. I would see it on Facebook from time to time when I felt like torturing myself. About two weeks after that, it was his spring break. He said he was going on a cruise with his best friend, the one I met. I asked if he was going and S told me no. The day he leaves I go to his FB to leave him a bon voyage message only to see a picture of the two of them on the deck of the ship. It felt like someone had stolen the air from my lungs. I knew that I still loved him.
After he got him from the cruise, S and I had a conversation. He said that he needs to block me on all social media. It was so that eventually I could move on and he and I could be friends. I didn't want him to, but I couldn't stop him. He told me he would block my phone number so no texts would come through. He also blocked me on gchat and Facebook. It was a total blackout.
From time to time I would get drunk and I would send him texts saying I missed him. Or that I still had feelings for him. I knew he wasn't getting them so I could be truthful. Turns out he was getting them. He was just ignoring me. Finally I understood it. I was nothing to him anymore. I was the person that was making his boyfriend uncomfortable. That's all I was. And that's all I would be. Or so I thought.
Every year, over Veterans Day weekend, I fly to California to volunteer with an incredible organization that teaches the importance of civic engagement to roughly 3,500 high school students. I was in the program as a delegate and it changed my life. It probably saved my life too. When he drove me to the airport, it was so I could board my plane and fly to Paso Robles and spend the weekend at Camp Roberts working with these incredible students.
Now he didn't have a car so he actually had to borrow his best friends car and drive me. I told him I could take a cab, but he said it was no problem. I expected him to drop me off at the curb and I'd walk in. But he said no, when he said he would drop someone off at the airport, he would park and walk them in. He had done it for his ex. First red flag, though of course I didn't see that at the time. All I saw was this boy who I thought was out of my league, going out of his way to say goodbye to me for a long weekend.
I left on a Thursday and was flying home on Tuesday. The plan was for him to pick me up at 10:30PM Tuesday night, come in and hang out for a little bit and then head home. After all it was a school night. But we talked about it on the phone and he said he would. He also said the he missed me. Though he did preface by telling me not to read too much into it. Second red flag, but I didn't see it. All I saw was this boy who was up past his bed time to tell me he missed me. How was this real. What had I done to deserve such a great guy?
So Tuesday comes and I head down to LAX to get to my connection in Houston. We were delayed at LAX because of weather conditions. As a result we land just too late to make my connection. I race from my plane to the next, and I see it sitting at the gate. I walk up to the United gate agent and say that I was supposed to be on that plane and the United app said the plane was delayed five minutes allowing me to still make it since it wasn't in the ten minute window. The gate agent just said that the app was incorrect and there were no more flights to DCA that evening. There was nothing he could do. I texted the incredible guy who was waiting to pick me up saying I wouldn't be home that night.
My plan was to head to my father's house (luckily he lives in Houston and I had a bed to sleep in for the night) and take a flight the next day. I would land at 11:00AM, head home, shower and then go to work. I texted S and said I'd be home Tuesday and we could see each other that night. He said he unfortunately couldn't because he had plans. I pressed a little, unsure what was going on, and he let me know. He had a date. He was going out with another guy he met on OkCupid. He actually had been talking to that guy before he and I started messaging. His best friend, the one I had now met several times, actually encouraged him to keep that date. She said that he owed it to himself to see where things would go.
I was pretty upset but I did my best to play it cool. I just said fine, and we would hang out Thursday. And that's what we did. I didn't text him Wednesday night. I let him have his date with the other guy. I don't remember how I distracted myself that night but I tried to push it out of my mind. I was relatively successful at that until our date Thursday night. I was honest with him and said I wanted to know how it went.
We had had conversations about what we were. He had told me that he was recently out of his first major relationship with the first man he had fallen in love with. They broke up in August of that year. He and I started talking in September. He was worried that things would move to quickly with us because of how natural things felt. He kept telling me he didn't want to be exclusive with me because he was worried that we would burn too bright and last as short time. It would be passionate and fantastic for a short time and then it would explode and we would end and never see each other again. Another red flag, but I couldn't see that. I saw someone that said that we were great together.
That Thursday, I asked him point blank what had happened. He said that they went out. I asked if they were physical. He said yes. I asked if they slept together. He said no. He told me that the guy wanted to but S felt too guilty so they didn't. My heart hurt hearing that but it also made me happy. He felt guilty because he felt like what he was doing was wrong. That it would hurt me. Here he was, with another guy interested in him, but he chose me. He chose my feelings over the other guys. In that moment a lot of my worries disappeared. I was confident that he just needed a little more time. He would come to the right conclusion; S and I were meant to me and that we would be that great relationship he was searching for.
I was wrong. Over the next couple of weeks the other guy was a constant presence. S would be on his phone while were were hanging out. I would catch a glimpse of the recipients name, and it would be the other guy. I decided to up my game. I was already planning a trip to New York with my best friend, the one I went to the masquerade gala with. I invited S to come along. That's what couples do right? They take weekend trips and go do cool things. He said yes.
It's now early December and we go to New York. S, myself and my best friend all hop in her car and drive up to the Big Apple. We stay at my two friend's house who had married earlier that summer. I couldn't make it to their wedding cause I was recovering from my facial reconstructive surgery so this was a chance to catch up with them. And I could introduce them to a boy. I had never introduced any friends or family to someone I was dating. It was a big step for me. In my family, I had seen so many relationships I thought were forever end. Virtually every single relationship in my family ended in separation so I was wary of every introducing someone to my friends. I didn't want to have to answer the "what happened" question next time I saw them. But I wasn't worried about that. I mean S came with me to New York. He chose to spend three days with me and only me. The other guy was at home and he was here with me, spending his time with me.
Saturday night one of the friends I'm staying with decided we would meet up with an old friend from High School who lives in Brooklyn. She knew of a fun gay bar so we went out there. Obviously drinks were drunk and we were all a little intoxicated. As we were getting out of the cab, I noted S was texting. He was texting him. I, in my inebriated state, called him out. "Can't you just be here with me?" He said that the other guy was freaking out. S was here with me in NYC and he was home alone. Another red flag. This time I sort of saw it.
We end up going into a bar and it's not particularly crowded. We were relatively early in the night. As the night progressed, the bar got more and more crowded. I made a point not to be glued at S's side all night. I would go to the bar and flirt with the guys to see who could buy us drinks. It actually worked. And since it was clear I wasn't in a committed, exclusive relationship, there was no harm in flirting.
When it got late, we decided enough was enough and we would metro back into Manhattan. My friends lived on the upper west side so we had a journey to make. I remember having a conversation with my friend and S on the metro. We were talking about dating sites like OkCupid. I said that the purpose of OkCupid, as all dating sites, was to have sex. S vehemently disagreed. He said that sex was not the goal at all. In response, I said that immediate sex may not be the goal, but I was on a site like OkCupid to make a connection with someone beyond friendship. The main difference, for me, between friends and a romantic partner is the erotic bond formed between the two. That's what sets those I am romantically interested in apart from friends. He didn't seem to understand my side. We just were upset with each other.
When we got back to my friend's apartment, we fell asleep with our backs to each other. I realized that was dumb, but was too proud to admit it. Though I did turn over and got to be big spoon. But I had finally started to see the writing on the wall. I wasn't going to be the one he chose.
The next morning, things didn't seem strained between us. On the car ride he sat in the back seat while I sat in the navigator's seat and my best friend drove us home. The drive ended up taking three extra hours because right as we crossed over into Pennsylvania, we hit the first major snow storm of the year. We didn't talk a lot and S slept for a bit of the ride.
Eventually we got back to her house and I drove S home. When we were there, I told him we needed to talk. I went inside. I told him I didn't want him to see other people. I wanted to be his boyfriend. He said he couldn't. He said that he was sure it would end badly. I told him then we had to end it then and there. I couldn't keep doing this. I had held back from ever saying those three words, but I knew it was only a matter of time until I did, and I didn't want to say them to someone who couldn't say them back to me. It wasn't fair to myself. I was tired of being worried about coming in second place, so I removed myself from the competition. I was afraid of losing, so I forfeit. I couldn't take him saying that he chose someone else over me, so I made that choice for him.
Before the New York trip, I had invited him to be my date to my company's holiday party. They had rented out this amazing event space directly across from the National Museum of American History and it was going to be a night of fun, drinks and food. I told him that I knew we weren't together, but for one night, just to be my date. We would go and just enjoy each other. I wouldn't worry about the other guy and he would be there with me. And that's what happened. He arrived at my house earlier in the evening, and we had a drink before we left. We then walked to a coworker's house and drank a little more before going to the party. Once there, I introduced him to friends and coworkers. We didn't get into an argument, we didn't cause a scene. We were happy. It was probably the second best night of my life. He was with me. He was mine. It was just a cruel reminder of what I wouldn't get with him.
After that night, we stopped seeing each other as frequently. Three days after my company party he became exclusive with the other guy. S and I would still see each other from time to time. I would come over and watch American Horror Story, since we had seen most of the season together. But it was different. I was still very much in love with him. And I could feel he still had feelings for me. But he was now putting the other guys feelings ahead of mine. He wouldn't kiss me because it would hurt him. We were just friends. We stayed friends for a little while longer until it became clear that my feelings weren't going any where and his for him were only growing. We eventually stopped seeing each other completely.
We had one last rendezvous at a concert. It had been over a month since we saw each other last. He had been steady with the other guy for three months now. I would see it on Facebook from time to time when I felt like torturing myself. About two weeks after that, it was his spring break. He said he was going on a cruise with his best friend, the one I met. I asked if he was going and S told me no. The day he leaves I go to his FB to leave him a bon voyage message only to see a picture of the two of them on the deck of the ship. It felt like someone had stolen the air from my lungs. I knew that I still loved him.
After he got him from the cruise, S and I had a conversation. He said that he needs to block me on all social media. It was so that eventually I could move on and he and I could be friends. I didn't want him to, but I couldn't stop him. He told me he would block my phone number so no texts would come through. He also blocked me on gchat and Facebook. It was a total blackout.
From time to time I would get drunk and I would send him texts saying I missed him. Or that I still had feelings for him. I knew he wasn't getting them so I could be truthful. Turns out he was getting them. He was just ignoring me. Finally I understood it. I was nothing to him anymore. I was the person that was making his boyfriend uncomfortable. That's all I was. And that's all I would be. Or so I thought.
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