Crushes are fun. I remember my first crush was on this blonde pigtailed girl in preschool. I knew I liked her when she accidentally poked me in the eye and started crying. That may sound weird, but I started crying because I had made her cry because she felt guilty about hurting me. And I didn't want to see her cry. Contrary to popular belief, I've had plenty of crushes on girls. I remember listening to Billy Gilman's "I Think She Likes Me" and talking with my elementary school best friend about this incredible, though quirky, girl I was crushing on. It wasn't until I hit puberty that my crushes turned from guys to girls.
But regardless of the gender of the object of my affection, I always loved having crushes. There was this possibility of what could be! Even today I sit in my bed and see the green dot next to my crushes name on Facebook messenger and suddenly I realize how Gatsby felt looking over the water towards Daisy. I create this world, this unlived future where we are madly in love. There is mystery, there is romance. There is limitless potential of what the crush could be.
As I grow older, my crushes are a lot less intense then they were when I was younger. Granted, I'm only twenty-six, so I can still get lost in my reveries about the life I'm going to have with the cute lawyer I met a few months ago who probably doesn't know I'm alive. But, more often than not, I find some way to unsubtly tell the crush that I like him. And, more often than not, he politely distances himself from me.
I think the reason I like having crushes is because they are easy. I can hide behind this vail of anonymity. I don't have to be vulnerable. I don't think I've ever asked someone on a date that I met organically. Virtually every date that I've ever had has been through an avenue where the end goal was to go on a romantic date with someone, whether it was being set up from a friend or one of the myriad dating apps available today (bumble, tinder, grindr, OKcupid, coffee meets bagel, etc.).
But with a crush, I don't have to be vulnerable. I can try to flirt with them and gage interest. But every time I maintain plausible deniability. I let them know that I could be interested, but I wouldn't ever tell them I would like to go out. Because they could say no. And that would not just be embarrassing for me, but it could be awkward for them. I wouldn't want to cause them any more distress than my most likely, though harmless, unwarranted advances caused.
I will say, in my defense, I take the hint and move on. I've been turned down enough to know that in a day, a week or a month, there will be a new crush that makes me forget the minute of heartbreak I feel when I realize that Daisy doesn't want to come over.
I like having crushes. They are safe. They are easy. They protect me. And in the end, that's what we really need to do. Protect ourselves from the things that can hurt us.
At least that's what I have to tell myself. Though I know my highest highs have come from making myself vulnerable. I will get knocked down more times than I can count, but I will get up more times that I can count plus one. I am confident that some day I will be the object of someone's affection. I will be crushed on. And it will remind me that sometimes it's worth it to reach out and express your emotions.
But regardless of the gender of the object of my affection, I always loved having crushes. There was this possibility of what could be! Even today I sit in my bed and see the green dot next to my crushes name on Facebook messenger and suddenly I realize how Gatsby felt looking over the water towards Daisy. I create this world, this unlived future where we are madly in love. There is mystery, there is romance. There is limitless potential of what the crush could be.
As I grow older, my crushes are a lot less intense then they were when I was younger. Granted, I'm only twenty-six, so I can still get lost in my reveries about the life I'm going to have with the cute lawyer I met a few months ago who probably doesn't know I'm alive. But, more often than not, I find some way to unsubtly tell the crush that I like him. And, more often than not, he politely distances himself from me.
I think the reason I like having crushes is because they are easy. I can hide behind this vail of anonymity. I don't have to be vulnerable. I don't think I've ever asked someone on a date that I met organically. Virtually every date that I've ever had has been through an avenue where the end goal was to go on a romantic date with someone, whether it was being set up from a friend or one of the myriad dating apps available today (bumble, tinder, grindr, OKcupid, coffee meets bagel, etc.).
But with a crush, I don't have to be vulnerable. I can try to flirt with them and gage interest. But every time I maintain plausible deniability. I let them know that I could be interested, but I wouldn't ever tell them I would like to go out. Because they could say no. And that would not just be embarrassing for me, but it could be awkward for them. I wouldn't want to cause them any more distress than my most likely, though harmless, unwarranted advances caused.
I will say, in my defense, I take the hint and move on. I've been turned down enough to know that in a day, a week or a month, there will be a new crush that makes me forget the minute of heartbreak I feel when I realize that Daisy doesn't want to come over.
I like having crushes. They are safe. They are easy. They protect me. And in the end, that's what we really need to do. Protect ourselves from the things that can hurt us.
At least that's what I have to tell myself. Though I know my highest highs have come from making myself vulnerable. I will get knocked down more times than I can count, but I will get up more times that I can count plus one. I am confident that some day I will be the object of someone's affection. I will be crushed on. And it will remind me that sometimes it's worth it to reach out and express your emotions.
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