Friendship is a difficult concept to write about. There are so many types of friendships. And so many questions surrounding it. When does someone become your friend? What keeps them a friend? How long will you consider them a friend?
As I prepare to leave the city I have called home for the last six years it has gotten me thinking about the nature of my friendships here. Looking back over my tenure in DC, I have come to the realization that there are people in this city that I know I will always be friends with. Before I became self employed, the easiest way for me to meet people was through work. Ironically, two of my closest friends in DC and I met through the hotel where we worked, but didn't socialize until two of the three of us were no longer there. When I worked at the Advisory Board, I made sure to organize happy hours for the folks at my level so we could become friends. I'm proud to say that as a result of one of those happy hours (and a little meddling from myself), two of my coworkers are engaged to be married.
But everything changed when I left an office and started working for myself. I didn't have the luxury of walking by someones desk and making small talk. I would sit at home and isolate myself, burying my head in research for the tours I was creating. I was invited to happy hours with my old coworkers for a while, but as time stretched on, so did the length of time between invitations to those happy hours, until they stopped all together. It was natural. We drifted apart, both physically and metaphorically. Several coworkers moved out of the city.
You always hear people talking about how difficult it is to make friends as an adult. If you're not in school or work from home, there aren't that may avenues that open themselves to the possibility of any platonic connections. Fortunately I had a hobby that necessitated being around other people: singing. Right around the time I started my company, I had joined the Gay Men's Chorus of Washington, D.C. This was the first time I would have more than a handful of platonic gay friends.
I auditioned for the full chorus and one of the smaller ensembles, and was fortunate to make both. Being in the small ensemble, being new, and being young, I felt very special. It took me a little while to sort of navigate the personalities of the chorus and to find where I fit in. Around Christmas, I had settled on my people. I remember that first winter break, two of my new friends and I spent a marathon 48 hours together, having a sleepover at my house. I had never had friendships like that before.
But as time wore on, as new people joined the chorus, and as we all grew and matured, things changed. Some people moved away. Some people pursued other circles. Dynamics in a social organization are constantly fluctuating. The culture was changing. And I no longer knew where I fit in.
I took a step back from the chorus. I sang one concert a year instead of three. I was focusing more on my work, I would say. I didn't want to let anyone know I was struggling to find my place. I didn't want to come across as needy. So instead I continued to isolate, hoping, praying that someone would reach out to me and include me.
There were a core group of people in the chorus I felt truly connected with. They were the ones to notice I wasn't around as much and reach out. I would be included in brunches, in parties, in invitations to karaoke. I don't think they will ever really know how much their invitation meant to me, especially at that point in my life.
As I prepare to leave, I am taking a look at my relationships and evaluating them. People say that things won't change even though you move away. They are wrong. Things fundamentally change. It takes a lot of time and effort to maintain a relationship, especially when you won't or can't have the ability to be in close proximity to that person. I also know that I am choosing to leave. I am making a conscious decision to move 7,000 miles away. Things will be different from me.
The impending departure though, has given me clarity. I look at the people in my life and know that there will be the people that do make that effort. When I feel alone or left out, I just remember that I am lucky enough to have close friendships with people from every point in my life.
